if im just bad news, then you're a liar...

don't pretend you ever forgot about me.

I've been dropping lines like they're hot but you haven't seemed to notice. I tried to tell you how I felt but I just stuttered and trailed off. it's okay. you've got a rep to with hold and I'm just overrated and old. turn the other way and pretend I never mattered. forget about the cold December nights. there was a ring around the moon and I swore I'd put one around your finger. I guess we're both liars. I treated you better than you deserved, i guess that's my fault. and as long as we're being honest, don't lie and say you cared. you want to tell the truth but you're just to fucking scared. so keep those secrets pressed between lips instead. I find myself alone these nights tired and shaking to the beat of past mistakes that i know you'll never (let me) live down. The only difference between now and before is that my mouth doesn't hold back anymore. Verbal fist fights where low blows are encouraged. I'll wear you down with words designed to make you hurt.

Heading to Tyler in a bit to see her. I dont really know what to expect. I just want my best friend back. She has been gone so long it's going to be hard to reconnect but I think we can. It just may take some time.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

i love you.
i love you.
i love you.



and i dont see that changing any time soon.

when the smoke clears, and the dust finally settles, it's only then that you can really get a good look at the mess you made for yourself. you may be scared, you may be ashamed, you may feel an entirely new emotion that you didn't even know existed until that day. but no matter what, you have to take the initiative to finally break down and start rebuilding everything that took years to build but only a small amount of time to destroy. you have to face your mistakes head on and know that you are the only person who can do anything to fix them.and once you do that, don't look back. keep moving forward. that's the only way to change from the person you were, into the person you want to become. keep your faith. hold on to your hope. smile, because no matter what, things can only get better from there. you were born a disaster kid, now change it.

man, i don't even know what to think about anything these days. sometimes you make sense and sometimes you don't. sometimes you seem to want to talk to me, sometimes it's like you could care less. i kind of want to give up but i can't because, well, i just can't. and to be honest, i really don't want to.

been staying with my parents the past few days. it's not bad, im just ready to find another place so i can have all of my stuff in order and not in boxes in the garage. it was a pain in the ass trying to find my chucks this morning.

start working in carrollton either at the end of the week, or starting next monday. we'll see how that works out. it may suck, or it may be awesome. who knows.

i sent jacob a text telling him i wasn't mad about his leaving me hanging sunday with the move. he said he still needs to talk to me and would im me. i don't know what thats all about, but he didn't im me. whatever.


the book is still coming along nicely. not ready to print yet because it doesn't feel complete. i don't remember how many pages i have yet, but it's going to be pretty good. i hope a few people buy it.


this post is kind of pointless. maybe i should take it back to 2005 and write some really bad vauge posts about that girl i worked with that didn't like me back. no? yeah i didn't think so.

i like the way things have changed a little between me and Sam. she has seemed a little more affectionate towards me. i miss the old days. i miss her iming me as soon as she got online, or if she was only going to be on for a sec, iming me to tell me she loves and misses me. i miss her calling me baby, and boo and all of those little pet names. i miss her writing about how perfect we were and how everyone else was jealous of us. i miss calling her and talking for hours, spending most of that time laughing together. i miss her telling me every little thing that happened in her day. i miss her having pictures of us on her myspace. basically, i miss her. i kind of feel like this is the only place i can really write all of this because i dont want to show how much i miss her because it doesn't matter right now. there's no chance of her wanting to get back with me before june, and even then, who knows. i dont know how many guys have been trying to talk to her since we broke up. i dont know if she has any crushes. i dont know if she still feels the same way about me that she did. i dont think you can fall out of the kind of love we were in very quickly. i wonder if she gets stomach aches when she sees my picture. i wonder if she falls to pieces at the thought of never getting to kiss me or hold my hand again. i wonder if when she thinks about the future, she sees me there with her like she used to. there are so many things i want to know, but i'm too afraid to ask because it may not be what i want to hear. at the same time, i dont want to mess this all up by asking because this time is for her to figure out what she wants. i hate not thinking that i may never get to hold her hand again while watching a movie. i hate the thought of her kissing someone else with her eyes closed the way she kissed me. i hate that after all of these months of waiting for her to get back, and counting down the days, when she gets here its not going to be the same. im not going to be able to wrap my arms around her at the airport and kiss her like it was the first time. i hate that im driving myself crazy over all of this, enough to write out a long entry about all of the things i hate and miss. ive been through some hard break ups but this is seriously the hardest thing i have ever been through. i always say that i never loved a girl as much as i love the one im with, but i never really meant it until sam. i never really knew what real love was(cliche', cliche', i know) but it's true. i have never thought i was going to marry someone before. ever. she if the first one, and just thinking about getting married to her makes me smile. to think that i could be so lucky as to spend the rest of my life with someone as amazing as beautiful as her gives me chills. i haven't given up hope, and i dont think i ever will. i know that samantha celeste is the girl for me. there is no doubt in my mind. and i would wait forever for her if i had to. but i dont want to wait that long. i hope she didn't forget how it felt to be with me. i hope when she sees me again in person, she will look at me the way she did the first weekend we ever spent together. that look is what told me she was the one. every time she tells me she loves me, i get the same feeling i did the first time we ever said it. that late night on the phone when i was staying at my dads was the best phone call i have ever had. and i wont ever forget it. i honestly don't think any other guy will ever be able to love her as much as i do. i hope she knows that. i hope she hasn't given up hope on us because this trip pulled us apart. i love her so fucking much. end of story.

i love listening to old FOB.

last night my friend KT was in 2 of the 3 dreams i had. i told her to get out of my head. she said it was because i love her. she's right.

today is raing as hell and its going to be like that for the new few days. boo.

a lot of schools have spring break next week. that means lil jake is going to be home friday. crunkness will ensue.

Saturday is the big St. Patrick's Day parade on lower Greenville. im hoping for little rain because this is going to be the first time i've gone for anything other than the HUGE concert. me, Natalie, Lil Jake and Taylor are supposed to go. rain or shine, fun times will be had by all.

probably going to sxsw tuesday after work. never been before. i will take like 9,875,324 pictures im sure.

well, happy hump day. may write somethin later. i've been writing my ass off lately. gotta get that book together before the summer. anyway, holla!

i have been away from eljay for so long its nuts. i have like 9 little places on the internet where i post my thoughts. i usually stop kepping up with most of them, but i do randomly come back from time to time. i like this one because it's more of a secret than the rest. well, i mean if you knew me in like 2005/2006 whenever i started this shit then you know about it. but since most people lose touch, i figure there's only a few that will actually read this. really, Audrey is the only person that will probably read this. and i'm totally cool with that because she rules. i have a blogspot that only 1 person besides me knows about. he's my bestfriend and he's allowed to read the things i dont want anyone else to read because he wont think im crazy.

anyway. whats up first real update in years?!?!

Cold December nights. That look on your face and a blanket wrapped tight. Top of the head kisses and exchanging nervous smiles. The fact that time seemed to slow down just for you and me. Every moment is frozen in my brain. I can still feel every kiss on my lips.